Life after YWAM

Wow. Maybe I should re-introduce myself, it’s been a while. As you can all assume, life has changed dramatically since June 3, my last post. Since then I have graduated from YWAM, visited Leanne in Sydney, and made the long trek back home to Canada. Beyond that sentence, I don’t really know what to write. Life back home is hard to sum up. Its beautiful, its familiar, and its safe. It is so great to see everyone again, to catch up on everyone’s lives, and to be encouraged by what God has been doing back home. I’ve found myself in a time of transition, which in the past I’ve generally hated. Transition’s usually include messes, periods of frustration, and a whole lot of preparations. The thing about this time is that I don’t know what I’m preparing for.

See. I’m home. I’m looking for a job, I’m getting back in the swing of things, I’m catching up with everyone, but I feel at times my wheels are spinning. “What’s next?” is a question that’s almost as common as “How are you?”. And I know I can look at it two ways. I can see that I’m in an unknown area, a place where I don’t know what’s next. I can get frustrated, or I can see that all doors are open. I could go to school. I could go back to Australia. I could work and volunteer, and I can just be. JUST BE. That’s definitely something I haven’t been able to do in a while, just be here. Be me. Be in this place. That sounds beautiful to me. So although I don’t know what’s next, I don’t feel the need to explain why that doesn’t bother me. I’ve spent the past 5 months learning how to trust my Father to bring me where He needs me, and I’m not going to stop trusting Him on that.

So the other day I was reading from Psalms 77, and I something popped out at me. The psalmist says,

“When I was in deep trouble, I searched for the Lord. All night long I prayed, with hands lifted towards heaven, but my soul was not comforted.”

In my Bible notes, it says something about–lifting hands towards heaven– and it’s a sign of vulnerability and┬ádependence. The entire thing just screams at me, because I know that I’m not depending on God. Yes, I want His guidance, and I definitely want to involve Him on decisions, but depend? Maybe not. I find it amazing how quickly you can forget what you’ve learned, and just trust in yourself. And for those of you who see the last statement, my soul was not comforted, also know that the psalmist later reminds Himself of God’s continuous blessings.

I don’t know about you, but I’m at a time in my life where I’m calling out to God and asking big questions. I get frustrated, but I remain honest. I talk to Him, I keep the lines open, and He remains faithful. And in those moments where I doubt, I’m not ridiculed or judged, but He gently reminds me how He’s always been there. Always will be there. He’s guided me and blessed me in the past, and I trust Him to continue that. So maybe I don’t know what’s next for me. Maybe I won’t know until I get there. But I do know that He’s with me, He hasn’t abandoned me. What about you? What’s next for you? Does it matter if you’ve had the same job for 15 years? Don’t ever stop asking yourself what’s next, because when you do, you stop moving forward. Let’s figure this out together.

With Strength that is not my own, Sam

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One Step for a Cross

I survived. Scratch that, I did more than survive. I came back from Papua New Guinea yesterday at 3:00, and my heart has been a beautiful mess ever since. Many times throughout the past 6 weeks I was wondering how I could tell you what I’ve been through in a way that you would understand, and so often I felt like it couldn’t be done. I could give you statistics, but that would omit any personal achievements. I could give you personal achievements, but those wouldn’t mean much to you. I’d love to tell you everything, but I don’t have enough word space for that, but I did write a nifty journal entry explaining my heart in the last week, and I’d love to share a piece of it with you.

“When you spend 6 weeks in a rainforest, you’re bound to learn some important things about your life, and why you’re here. But when you’re lead into that forest by a God who needs you there, you learn even more about how “your” life really isn’t yours at all. Very quickly, all of the “I deserve” becomes “I am blessed to receive”, the “basic human rights” turn out to not be so “basic”, and the way you’ve viewed life before those 6 weeks has forever been changed. How can you escape the forest without seeing that God is good, and that He is everywhere? He’s in the creative way the nature blends together so perfectly. He’s in the awesome power rumbling in the thunderstorms. He’s in the eyes of the tiniest child looking for some love. God is here.
PNG definitely is the land of the unexpected. You can wake up in the morning and see nothing but blue skies, not a cloud anywhere. The next thing you know, you’re out walking around when a storm erupts. I’ve learned there’s no way you can predict the future. God has a funny way of letting you know who’s in charge. We’ve been through some pretty tough times (to put it lightly), but He’s always been there to give us exactly what we need, with His perfect timing. In the middle of a 10 hour hike, and you’ve already passed the point of giving it all you’ve got. You know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God is slowly but surely lifting you you up the mountains and through the mud. Or, when you feel called to speak in front of hundreds of people, and you’re up next, when suddenly you realize, “I have no idea what I’m supposed to say.” But, you know you’re meant to speak, so you ask for the right words, and you manage to blow them out of the water for 45 minutes. Only with God.
In the end, when you’ve taken the last step, what have you learned? In the last 6 weeks, what about you has changed? Because there’s no way you can go through everything you’ve gone through and be the same girl as before. You have had the beautiful chance to experience another piece of God, a new piece of Him you understood, but hadn’t experienced. It’s changed you from the inside out. People aren’t just people any more, and money isn’t nearly as important. As I look towards my future, I no longer doubt God’s ability to provide for me, in all areas. I know He’ll provide, because I’ve been surviving off His blessings for the past 6 weeks. Crazy things happen when God is given room to be God.”

So. For those of you who like numbers. Through the six weeks, we hiked on a total of 14 days, for a total of 63 1/2 hours. On a map of Papua New Guinea from 1980, to fly straight from Kerema, our starting point, to Menyamya, our final destination, was a total of 70km. What you need to know: this map was 21 years old, and 100% inaccurate. I’m estimating that the hike was a good 150km, not including all the zig-zagging we did, plus all the inclines. At our highest altitude, we were 2280m above sea level, which is 100% accurate, because we actually started our hike by stepping out of a boat off the ocean. After reading over this, I’ve realized how this is doing the trip a huge injustice. Words are hard to piece together to give you a fair understanding of what we’ve gone through. I hope I can take some time with each of you when I get back and give you some more details. Until then, this will have to do.

When I was hiking, there were points where I felt “I have absolutely nothing left” I knew that I couldn’t go any further. My mind played games with me. Defeat merely begins to explain it. But when I got to the spot where my foot felt like a cement block, all I could remember was “One step, one more step. He took the Cross. I can take a step for that”. Where in your life have your feet stopped moving? I want you to know you can keep going. You CAN continue on, because He’s there to help you, no matter what situation you’re stuck in. This is where you can let God be God. And He’ll never stop surprising you.

Again, I want to say thank you SO much. Thank you for praying. Thank you for saying hi, for encouraging me, and for supporting me from so far away. I have been blessed so much by all of you, God is a good, good, God. I can’t wait to see all of your beautiful faces in less than 2 weeks!!!

With Strength that is not my own, Sam