Today as I sat in church, my mind wandered. Don’t tell me this never happens to you, because I know it does. And, being 21, I have a few things that my mind automatically defaults to- travel, Africa, a future Mr., photography, writing letters, worries, and a few too many “I wonder..” scenario’s.
But today, as I sat in church, God just gently asked, “What do you give your all to? I’ve given you a lot, my Son, for one- nothing short of everything, so what do you give your all to?” I swirled it around in my mind for a few minutes, sifting through areas I’m invested in. Friendships, jobs, photography, volunteering, mentoring, family, my personal time alone with Him. And I was stumped. There is nothing I give 100% to. I instantly panicked, which is not a good idea when your pastor is calling out for testimonies. “Am I lazy? Detached? Afraid of failure? Incapable?”
Yes. Yes I am.
Alone, I am every one of these things. I’m more lazy than I’d like to admit, but then again, no one likes to admit they’re lazy. I detach myself constantly so that it doesn’t hurt too much when I leave, when I pull away. Am I afraid of failure? OF COURSE. Who isn’t? Rejection is never a good thing, especially not when you are in the middle of it. And am I incapable? Yes. By myself I can’t do anything worth noting.
But that’s the thing. I’m not alone. I’m not walking through my messes alone, just like I’m not rejoicing in my successes alone. As I panicked there in that purple chair, I scribbled as many characteristics of my Father as I could think of, as fast as my pen would go. Comforter. Just. Merciful. Healer. Provider. Strong. Friend. Unchanging. Jealous. Trustworthy. Peace Giver. All knowing. Forever Loving. I could go on- I wouldn’t mind, gloating is worth it when it comes to my Father. And knowing that HE is all these things gave me peace, because I know HE is with me. When I fail- He picks me back up, graces me with His love, forgiveness and strength, and pushes me through another door with a hand that is so strong and powerful. Ah, surrender.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but lately my entries have become a bit repetitive. I’d apologize, but that would require me to right my wrongs and walk in a new direction, one I don’t think is necessary. You see, I’m on a journey, one I thought would be prettier, quicker, cleaner, easier. And although its not 100% all of these things, it’s full of many other things. Full of curve balls, cheap hits, more low moments than highs, and a few quiet Friday nights. But in-between that mess, I learn and grow and laugh and smile and cry (good tears). As I said today to a dear friend “Growing sucks-but it’s necessary” We hate the process as we go through it, and even sometimes as we look back on it, but it’s necessary.
So even though this may sound similar to the rest, it still needs to be said. And even though I haven’t figured it all out yet, I’m trying. And I’m honest so that you can be honest. I’m open so that you can know that this journey, this race, its not a one person thing. You and I are in this together, no matter what curve in the road you’re on. So take heart. We- are not alone.
“I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. All who came before me were thieves and robbers. But the true sheep did not listen to them. Yes, I am the gate. Those who come in through me will be saved. They will come and go freely and will find good pastures. The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” John 10.7-10
With Strength that is definitely not my own, Sam