Daydreaming

So there’s a lot rushing around this brain, but then again what’s new? I’m still fighting to get my joy back- although I haven’t yet figured out the best attack plan. I know it involves a lot of prayer and Scripture, a bit of being brutally honest with a few go-to people, and a whole lot of surrender. Most of this is uncomfortable or difficult- but joy is worth fighting for. God is worth fighting for. I am worth fighting for.

On another note, I’m dreaming-again- of Kona. 3 things keep being confirmed to me- Kona, Australia and Africa- and I believe in that order, as well. Over the past, say, 3 months, I’ve been *set* on Kona, then *not sure*, then *surrendered*, and *open to anything*. And I’m back to set. I’m learning my habits, my rituals of taking in what God’s said, weighing them with rationale, logic and my feelings, and then sorting them through. After I’ve done all that and mucked around with His initial plans, I announce them, talk too much about them, feel unsettled, and then realize- what He said in the first place is what I need to run with. And that is this: Jump. Take a leap of faith. Hear me out on this, trust me for this step, then together we’ll work on the next one.

There are a few reasons why I believe Kona is the right next step for me, but the main one is my lack of planning. Previously, when I felt God calling me to action, I felt the need to plan, budget, make myself busy in order to avoid procrastination, the usual. But I learned a rough, needed lesson back in Townsville, one that was a complete 180 to what I was raised to believe. I won’t go into detail, but the whole “God helps those who help themselves” theory has been erased from my thought process. When I think about moving to Hawaii next January, I have peace, joy, excitement and a lot of expectation, good expectation. Yes, I realize there will be a certain amount of pain-leaving yet again, being absent in important events in friendships and family. But I know it will be a blessed time. One that I look forward to- but one I refuse to idolize.

I am here. I am needed here, even if only for a short time. This year is as important as last, and as important as next. I have a specific role to play that no one else can do. People are placed in my life to guide me, encourage me, and help me- and I will not waste this time. I’ve been praying recently that God fills me up- just enough to make me realize just how weak I am without Him. (No sane person would ask for more than that, right?)

So my life seems to be a series of comings and goings, home and abroad. What about you? It’s easy for me to identify the seasons of my life, but what do yours look like? How can  you take action with God in.this.season to make sure HE is glorified above all else? What would your life look like if your primary goal was to boast about Christ? I know my life would change- it would definitely be a bit more uncomfortable, and I might have a few less friends. But to me “living is for Christ, and to die is gain” Phil.1.21

Definitely not the usual, but then again, I’m not your usual girl. Thanks for reading. Leave some love-I need it.

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With Strength that is not my own, Sam

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Tears don’t help

ONE YEAR

Full. Refreshed. New. Astounded. Challenged. Lost.  Broken. Healed. Surrendered. Encouraged. Worn down. Commissioned. Loved. Blessed. Homesick. Lost. Amazed. Taught. Immersed in grace. Surrounded. Overwhelmed. Rested. Prepared. Found.

I could go on. I’m going to try and summarize this part of my journey, the short 5 1/2 months. I was unsuccessful in doing this when I returned last June, which you can read about here. In church we’re learning about the importance of reflection, both personally and collectively. The thing about reflection though, is that sometimes you find things you don’t want to.  I’ve done it, and my goal is to learn from it. So here’s my reflection, my look back to a year ago today, and everything that’s happened in-between.

January through June rocked me. It stripped me of so many things I thought I was, and filled me with love, dreams and knowledge. I met friends that I’ll never forget, friends I’ll never know better, and friends I’ve never missed more. I learned to love community- even living with 17 other girls in a 2 bedroom flat. I was pushed, uncomfortable, alone, challenged, humbled and ever so gently lifted back up and taught to walk on my own feet. God went from being distant and quiet, to so near it was both beautifully comforting and alarmingly bold. I went from snow to ocean to mountain ranges. I changed from a broken child, to a still broken woman, but yet filled and fixed in so many ways. My lectures were like doors being thrust open- revealing God in new and powerful ways. And my friendships? They loved me back to life. Friend is easily interchanged with family. My friendships- they, by God’s power and leading, changed me the most. Never in my life have I been so free in my relationships; to have them know every regret, every secret, every desire, every dream and to be loved completely. It healed my heart. (understatement of the year) To instantly, at a moment’s notice, run to our Father together in prayer. To know that I’m not alone in my passions brings me so much peace and joy.

The tears don’t help. They don’t solve, sooth or cure a hurting heart. I’m not going to lie, I wasted a lot of time wishing I was back here. Sadly, now I’m caught doing the same wasting, wishing, dreaming, wanting to be in another place. I will never.ever.forget my time at YWAM RTO. I waited a year to get there, and it blew me away. Every expectation was  knocked out by day 3, and the surprises never stopped.

I want a reunion. I want us all to go back to our flats, back to the Strand. I want to sleep on the hardwood floor on outreach in Cairns Baptist. I want to host free sausage sizzles with that amazing BBQ sauce. I want to watch Peter rock out the salvation message, or watch Ben carry a 30kg pack up 2500 feet of untamed mountain. I want to sit around the campfire in Hidden Valley, roasting disgusting fruit flavoured marshmallows, and go mud sliding in the fields. I want to go on day long hikes with my team to prepare for a hike that no human can adequately prepare for. I want to sit front and centre with Gill in worship, praising our God. I want to be yelled at by Mark Parker, laughed at by Kevin Norris, and prophesied at by Ryan Booker. A part  of me even wants to scrape my knees falling off a skateboard at YouthStreet.

I miss the sun. I miss Castle Hill- the satisfaction in continuously beating my personal best, and enjoying some of the worlds best quiet times looking over the city of Townsville. I miss tea dates with Laurie at Castle Town, sweat moustaches compliments of Emma, cheese parties with Ben and Roger (sans wine ). I miss Australian sarcasm (never thought I’d say that). I miss getting in trouble from Nomes for being barefoot, and racing to the deck for morning tea. I miss Sunday funday, gelato on the Strand, dodgy guys calling us from their utes. (ok, maybe I don’t miss that, but it’s a memory nonetheless) I miss hanging out in our outside kitchen in the middle of Cyclone Yasi, Mal sleeping on the tile floor to keep cool-or just leaving our room for the left side due to Fanny and Emma’s synchronized snoring. I miss our temperamental showers and long lines after morning workouts, apples and peanut butter (???), hearing Aleksi talking to Lucy (his dog) on Skype in the cafe. I miss Tillman’s interpretive dance to Halo for morning devotions, small group discussions and prayer. I miss Asta’s intense facial expressions, and hearing Chello sing his heart out while rocking the dish washer. I miss hearing Ben give a champion’s speech on graduation day, and hearing Katie, when the guys are telling her she’s beautiful, yell out “Ya I am!!”. I miss Shey’s beautiful and strong leadership in worship, Abbie’s incessant laughter, Ben’s ridiculous attempt at dreads, and Joanne yelling “Je-SUS!”

I miss being pushed. Here I’m challenged, but I’m not pushed. Never pushed to dig deeper, figure God out, pursue Him before my own desires. There’s only so much a girl can push herself to do, and I seem to be at full capacity. I need the push from an outside source, and for some reason, I’ve made myself believe that those sources can only be found thousands of kilometres away. As much as I’d love it, this isn’t home for me. It has everything that is good and beautiful and lovely to me, but my heart does not rest here. My coat doesn’t get hung up, and whether that’s out of laziness, or out of the urge to be somewhere else I’ve yet to discover.

I’ve learned. Heaps. About me. About you. About God. About life. About being stable, and about being detached. I’ve learned about my fears, which include loneliness, commitment, inadequacy and wasting my life. I’ve also learned that I’m nowhere near finished learning. I look back on the year and smile through tears. And oddly enough, I hope to say the same about this next year, whether I’m off galavanting through Australia, Hawaii or good old Canada.

My adventure does not depend on location- but on my willingness to act, live, love and serve.

With Strength that is not my own, Sam